When somethings happen to you, you can only write them down and tell your story.

When somethings happen to you, you can only write them down and tell your story.

You can’t force yourself to heal. Sometimes, you have to sit with your suffering and pain to overcome it”

February 2016 – Abuja, Nigeria

As some of you already know, I had a testimonial break early 2016, from being chronically ill in the last 7 months of 2015. But the truth I couldn’t share with everyone, was the fact that, every day in 2016, I had to fight for my life and sanity. This fight meant countless hospital visits & admissions, overbearing and invasive procedures, more surgeries, with series of unrelated diagnosis. To exist and sleep had become a painful strain. I had never been so confused in my life. Every day became a tug of war with my faith and life. I constantly had to unmoor myself from the constant pain that invaded my body – internalising a lot of pain – masking every ache with very strong pain medications, tied with my ‘struggling- faith’ on the higher realm, just so I could move on with my whole life, without ‘looking sick.’ Your girl just wanted to be free, dress up, look pretty & LIVE!

I hoped that one day, just one day, my body will completely heal from its perennial state.

But it didn’t.

31st December 2016 – England

I remember this time last year so vividly. It was meant to be a Christmas Holiday with family in England. But the joy of the holiday was short lived. It was barely 3 days after I arrived, when certain parts of my body started to swell, feeling malaise, with no appetite, and general irritability.
I was exasperated and burdened from the insistent tug of pain. That type of pain that doesn’t only crush your bone- it’s languidly sucking your soul. These were the days I hated my existence.

With one hot water bottle on my back and another under my neck, I laid down absorbing all the heat that in some way eased out the tension. My body had become tolerant of most pain medication. So instead of getting the 6-8 hour break, I barely got 2. That meant finding an alternative cure to ease the ache before my next dose.

Once I started to feel some relief, I picked my phone hoping to distract myself through my social media page. I didn’t last too long there. I unconsciously started coveting the healthy lives of my friends and family. I found myself feeling a little perturbed at the outpouring of gratitude, from the typical end-of-year-testimonials of what seemed like a good year for most of them.

I wanted to be grateful. I mean, I was thankful for life. But I wasn’t ‘pleased.’ I put my phone away again.

Feeling extremely lost,  I needed to talk to Him so badly. My heart was so desperate for a miracle.  I really needed to pour my heart out to Him. I was hurting so bad. I wanted everything to end. I needed relief – I needed answers – I needed to be saved.
I contemplated between crying myself to sleep or fellowshiping. I went with the latter. I joined my family at a Cross-over service via YouTube. Laying on the floor, all I could think about was, how David purged the words in Psalm 6 out of his own pain. I strongly believed this channel was the only peaceful way out of my misery.

I used the little energy I had and poured out the remaining part of my heart in praise and worship. I couldn’t pray. There was nothing to pray about at that moment.

Worshipping God that night wasn’t as bad as I had imagined. I felt some relief. It shouldered the pain. My spirit was bursting with so much hope. {Rom 8.37}

This too shall pass…… I am more than a conqueror, I am a victorious being……by His stripes I am healed……it is finished……. I am strong…l..I will not die. I will live to tell of the Lord’s work.’ I affirmed these and many more healing scriptures under my breath till my body eventually found some rest.

Or so I thought………

The next day, before sunrise, that horrid feeling came back. I hadn’t even had up to 3 hours of sleep, before another bit of excruciating pain tugged my spirit. Just like every breathing day in 2016, the luxury of my glory days were far gone – pain had become my morning dawn.

Everywhere hurts. …… please release me. It feels like my bones are burning. I can’t move my head around. It feels like my soul’s violently disconnecting from my whole body. You said I was already healed?’

{You are God Nicole. The expression of my divinity. You too are divine. You have My life inside you. It’s how I made you}

But the lump on my neck, it’s getting bigger. My upper back feels like a chain saw is cutting across it. Now my tooth aches again…. it can’t possibly be another wisdom tooth. I already extracted 2 earlier this year….. ugh! And then my leg too. Really God?. Where did this come from? How are they all connected? I feel like I’m doing something wrong and I’m feeding the pain. It hurts to swallow my saliva, my whole body is pain! What’s really going on? I keep mentioning your name, and nothing has changed. God I need you so much. How much more can I take? Touch me. I have surrendered. Speak to me. What can I do?’

{Just trust me. You are strong. Let your heart take courage. It will ease. It might be slow, but it will}

Heavy sigh…. Peace be still……peace….. I am trying to take my mind off everything, but it seems impossible. My heart palpitations are increasingly high….how can my own heartbeat be so distracting & uncomfortable?’

Picture taken by my sister, January 2017

I wasn’t really angry. I didn’t want to allow that emotion into my space. I knew anger won’t give me answers, it will only build dark clouds of resentment  – my spirit didn’t need that.  But I was deep in sorrow – for my present truth had become very ugly. I was extremely sad and so broken. I didn’t understand why it had to be this hard. I felt tortured.

Whatever life is trying to teach me, couldn’t there have been an easier way? 

And that feeling of not wanting to communicate with my family and friends crept in…… It’s not like their comforting words weren’t uplifting, but I was tired of giving vague answers as to what I ‘felt’ could be going on, or try to express the intricacies of every emotion that was running through my senses. I could also smell the fear of the unknown choking them. I could sense fear through their comforts and it was dwindling the little stint of hope I was hoarding.

All of my senses can wait. *switches off phone* 

January 2017 – Sheffield, England

Sometime in January, my elder sister received a call from my GP. “I am sorry, but Nicole’s blood test results aren’t good. She has little or no blood left in her, and will need an urgent blood transfusion. I sat across my sister and watched her face drop in fear. She related to me every instruction given by my GP. My C- reactive protein level (CRP) was also extremely elevated (330). I was asked to pack my overnight bag, as I will inevitably be admitted into the hospital, again!

First blood transfusion

Ward E2 – Royal Hallamshire Hospital

I dragged my lethargic self and was driven to the hospital. I was drowning in-between despair and  feeling crushed. My soul was hurting, my body was drained. I could barely stand, talk less of walk. It felt like all the air in me was dissipating. I have never drowned – but it felt familiar – that’s what was happening to me.

I was wheeled into my ward and had to be quarantined & sedated, as the doctors initial suspicion was an Infectious Disease. My mind had started to visit unpleasant realms again. I tried to ask questions, but there was no point. Like previous admissions I knew I couldn’t find any clarity. Every question I had in me only ricocheted. I was terribly unhappy and scared.

That cold & grey day was a continuity of more than 200 days admitted in the 8th hospital, to identify what was really going on inside my body; the Royal Hallamshire Hospital, Sheffield. A journey of spiritual awakening, pain, sorrow, redemption, salvation, love, happiness, tears, fear, hope, triumph: a happy ending after a long, painful and sorrowful experience.

Day 1

 

 

 

 

 

 

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13 Comments

  1. chiny
    February 1, 2018 / 11:51 am

    My girl!!!!

  2. Nteni
    February 1, 2018 / 3:20 pm

    Reading this left me momentarily numb. All the trouble and pain I think I’ve had suddenly feel like a walk in the park. I can’t say I know or understand all you’ve been through, but I can confidently say you’ve created a life-line for everyone going through one challenge or another. Your victory is beautiful. Thanks for sharing with us. ❤️

  3. omolara
    February 1, 2018 / 3:44 pm

    thank God for life (psalm 118:17); thank God for victory. you shall remain a living testimony. i celebrate you now and always dearie. your healing is permanent in God. love you always.

  4. Leye
    February 1, 2018 / 6:51 pm

    Very interesting chronicle. You gave me hope today. Am proud of whom you are becoming.

  5. Leye
    February 1, 2018 / 6:54 pm

    Very interesting chronicle. You gave me hope. Am proud of whom you are becoming.

  6. Abby
    February 1, 2018 / 7:23 pm

    I am speechless but grateful to God. Thanks for sharing your journey with us love.

    You are healed and would be a point of contact to everyone who is going thru any challenge. You would live to declare the Glory of the Lord in the Land of the living by his grace.

  7. Henry
    February 1, 2018 / 11:04 pm

    This is to strenght for you Nicki💪🏾

  8. Leeda
    February 1, 2018 / 11:50 pm

    I am happy that you are survivor!!! Thank God you made it…

  9. Kayode
    February 2, 2018 / 10:34 am

    This sounds a harroeibg experience yet fruitful in the eventual outcome. I am glad you found the strength to pull through it. I hope that strength will serve you well going further on. Thanks for sharing.

  10. Bimbo
    February 2, 2018 / 11:44 am

    Hi Nicole, reading this made me think of Psalm 126 . I thank God for your life. I thank God for making me read this today. Maybe it’s divine appointment, I dunno. I’m home right now struggling with asthma for the umpteenth time in months. It’s like it never takes a break. I decided to stay home today and wait on God and just pray for a miracle . I pray I have a testimony to share soon . Xo. May your healing be permanent in Jesus Name. Amen

    • February 5, 2018 / 11:51 am

      Hello Bimbo, I am so sorry about the incessant Asthma attacks. I pray your soul finds rest in the midst of your struggles. It is hard, but the love of Christ and His grace will hold you. His love will give you hope. It gets hard a lot of times. But we can only try, we can take a step of faith by giving our best to life – by doing the things that make us feel good and truly happy. Even if it’s listening to song that gives wings, or eating your best meal (if you have the appetite).

      Sending you love and healing.

  11. Doosh
    February 2, 2018 / 12:51 pm

    God is good and his mercies endure forever!! Thank you for sharing your testimony!

  12. Maryam
    February 2, 2018 / 9:11 pm

    Thanking God for His healing, your story is a great inspiration to me. It has made me understand that though the storms of life will always come but no matter how hard or long it may seem, with God, it will surely pass. May God bless your heart.

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This is my story

Hey there, I am Nicole and this is my Survival Story in style.

I was living my best life, feeling quite balanced: physically, spiritually and emotionally, until May 2015 when I fell chronically ill with series of unrelated diagnosis. I eventually got a breakthrough in March 2017 with a provisional diagnosis: Inflammatory Myositis, an autoimmune condition.

It's been a whirlwind journey: from immense pain, to tears, laughter, love, comfort, fellowship, fear, confusion, anger, despondence.

And then, Hope.

Somehow, all the suffering I had to endure has lit my way and given me new courage to face and live my life victoriously and cheerfully.

I am grateful for this whole experience, as it has pivoted me into a different spiritual realm {The Zoe Life} and reshaped my general mentality about life.

This blog chronicles my walk through the valley and shadows. I will be giving my best to you, my readers, by stealing momemts to do the things I love: which is to share my catharsis through words & my complete passion for FASHION & STYLE, in hope that it will encourage and inspire you.

I hope we remain a community that support and uplift each other.