I craved death……I woke up every morning wishing I had died in my sleep.

There is a time for everything.
“a time to be sick and a time to heal”

February 2018,

I started this year sunken with Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), sometimes known as “winter depression’. “It’s a type of depression that comes and goes in a seasonal pattern. Its symptoms are usually more apparent and more severe during the winter.”

Quick facts: I experienced my first full-fledged winter for the first time earlier this year. So once the symptoms started creeping in, I had no idea how to handle myself.

On most mornings, just after I celebrated my 32nd birthday, I remember waking up feeling confused & extremely lethargic. My bones started to hurt all over—I was completely drained. This time around, it wasn’t bodily pain that troubled me, it was my mind.

It felt like my whole being was getting sucked into a dark vortex.

I just had the best Christmas, so I couldn’t understand my new frame of mind.

I woke up every morning wishing I had died in my sleep.

I will turn off my Mobile Data so no one tries to contact me.
People started to irritate me!

This’ new mind’ felt strange; because all the while I was physically sick I never felt the dark cloud that was hovering around me. It was so confusing.

Because I couldn’t comprehend what was going on, I started to avoid most people. I left my phone on (mobile data off) & stayed in contact with very few family/friends. Then, as an escape therapy, I used my iPad to tweet/Instagram/ general use of social media.

The moment I opened my eyes in the mornings, I hurriedly played my audio bible— mostly The book of Psalms or worship music, as that was my lifeline—I had hope the ritual will evoke The Holy Spirits presence. I desperately needed God to spring me back to life.

This time praise/prayers/worship didn’t help me! That’s when I started to give up because nothing about life made sense. I was tired of existing!

Once I tasted a stint of life in the early hours of the day, I will get so furious with God, asking why I was alive— It was a constant wrestle. I felt consumed.

I craved death!

The bravest thing I did was getting out of bed to use the toilet/put some food in my belly. I had to compulsorily eat because I was on immunosuppressants medication. I will rush a fruit that I can easily chew, swallow my pills and rush back to bed.

Huge struggle!

My eldest sister started to notice that I was living outside my essence. She brought my attention to the knowledge that I showed signs of depression & needed help. We immediately contacted my General Medical Practitioner, and after a general consultation, my Doctor pointed low levels of light, plus the disruption of my body clock as the major trigger. This knowledge eventually pulled me out of misery. It propelled me to take pragmatic steps to heal my body, followed by my mind.

The first step I took: was an overdose of sunshine/ staying in a light-filled-room. This was my No 1 therapy!

Then I gradually started exercising daily + eating a high amount of dark-leafy greens & fruits. (especially those rich in calcium and vitamin D)

Another helpful step I took: I guarded my space/energy—placing myself in a circle of empathetic people that nourished me—they filled my soul with love, peace & joy.

Mental Illness can affect anyone regardless of age, gender, income, social status, geography, religion/spirituality, race/ethnicity, sexual orientation, cultural identity, background.

It’s a medical condition: just like heart diseases, diabetes/cancer.

We should not be ashamed to talk about it.

Please seek help if you notice a significant change in your thoughts, emotions and/or behaviour.

Having the slightest knowledge of what’s troubling the mind/body is a huge step to recovery.

This awareness will aid your healing & hopefully raise a community of helpers to support you.

Another way to remain balanced is to take note of your triggers. and give your body/mind more care.

Friends/family, please be alert & look out for your loved ones. Watch out for signs of withdrawal, anxiousness, hopelessness and general irritability.

Be kind and patient with yourself and loved ones…………….

Realign yourself to centre.

Photo Credit: @hellomrcolour on Instagram

Please note: not every feeling of intense sadness or hopelessness is a “Depressive Disorder.” But if you are feeling out of place, (experiencing intense emotions of anxiety, loss of interest/pleasure, negativity & poor concentration for an extended period of time, contact your nearest Medical Centre/seek professional counsel.

Do not self diagnose yourself.

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My Story

Welcome to my Healing Sanctuary.

My name is Adebambo Nicole {both names L-R meaning "Crown Comes With Me & Victory of The People."

Sometime in May 2015, I felt a knife-stabbing pain penetrate the upper-left side of my back, with no energy left in me to make it out of bed, I made an SOS call. My entire body was consumed with excruciating pain and fatigue like a gigantic truck had fallen over it.
That Saturday was the beginning of my fight with a Chronic Disease that the doctors were unable to Clinically Diagnose.

After two years of countless hospital visits, admissions, surgeries & invasive procedures, I triumphantly got a breakthrough from Hospital Admissions in 2017. Still, with no name for the disease, I left the hospital as an out-patient with a provisional diagnosis: Possible Undifferentiated Connective Tissue Disease—whereby the lymph nodes all over my body were highly inflamed.

I created this space to chronicle my healing journey that has been a cocktail of debilitating pain and my unbending faith challenged with: fear, hope, boundless love, anger, heartbreaks, forgiveness, despondence, communal-support, losses, and delicious-fellowships.

Somehow, all the darkness I have had to live through has initiated rebirths—catapulting me into deep healing, self-discovery, and growth.

I have been given the gift of New Life, and this time around: I will be shining my spectacular light—painting the various colors of my truth—using my blend of gifts to enrich and uplift You.

Sharing the breakdowns and breakthroughs—to invigorate your faith, hope, and strength.

I write to be available to your wounds and serve you with ingredients for healing.
To be a wellspring of empathy, positive-energy, and unconditional love.

If you want to be inspired, encouraged, informed, or need to propel your faith, please subscribe to stay updated/share as this space chronicles my walk through the valleys and shadows.
I hope to remain a source of LIGHT as I share bits & pieces of this journey: detailing the good, the bad, and the ugly.

I welcome you with love, as we remain a community that supports and lifts each other’s spirits.

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